Connecting intimately with your loved ones

21st December 2012, just before Christmas, I was doing my third heart meditation, led by Drunvalo, and had a profoundly sublime mystical experience: a heart orgasm. My heart felt an intensely pleasurable explosion, identical to a sexual orgasm, and for 20 minutes, I was shaking uncontrollably, interconnected to all physical objects within a 3 metre radius of myself. Then I knew it: I have felt the true love of God. God flows in me, with me, through me. 

I expected my relationships to blossom, and they seemed to, from this permanent heart-centred state, but only to myself. My family, lovers, friends, felt a distance to me. I was spiritual bypassing. I was in a blissful state, yet numb to anger, to sadness, to shame, to fear, to disgust. In a sense, I was in my heart, but I was not in my gut. My walls I had created to protect me from the hurts of childhood, from broken relationships remained deeply buried.

Fast forward to today.

My relationship with my father:
For the first time this year, I’ve been able to share deeply intimately, hug and cry with him, a bond I never remember experiencing, not even as a child. We share soft, tender, vulnerable moments.

My mother, sparks of beautiful sensuality, nurturing and gratitude. I welcome feeling hurt by her, projected judgement, shame, disgust, and yet step into my fire and I no longer have to say “NO” because she feels me deeply hurting by her attacking weaponised words.

With my sister, an openness and honesty, a shared experience of childhood hurt, a shared experience of adulthood healing, a depth of unspoken gratitude and respect.

With my lover, a new offering of support, depth of intimacy, vulnerability, and openness for being called out for being a d!ck. And for her to offer me the space to call her out for being a b!tch. What a transformational sanctuary we have created!

And as I write this, I have tears flowing down my cheeks, because this is the real heart orgasm, not a mystical experience, but real raw humanness, love. It’s the OUR love, not the I love. We are all Gods, our divinity flows within each of us, all of us. We just have to open our walls up to feeling, even in hurt, with heart.